Saturday, February 20, 2010

i feel you

in the past early lights of dawn I feel your ghost. In the sturdy redwoods of St. Helena I feel your presence. you're a giant among men and makes me wish for the times we spent, I don't know why I thought of you today, I just did. I think it has something to do with being reminded of the song "Say Something" by James by a recent friend...or I should say newly recent better friendship. Maybe it was this year and what I had to go through to meet this person. We have the same connection that you and I had. I missing you badly and only things that are good can make me forget the hurt...A manic drive from southern california to northern california. The night was dark, but before that on the way I saw the most beautiful sunset. These things actually happened and I could feel you on the 5 north. Along the way I saw two owls fly past me in my car. The headlights illuminating their ghostly white in the shadows of the night. I believe in the power of owls and goodness of the world. I know you were looking after me on my journey to say goodbye to you. On the road was a truck tire that I ran over at 90 mph and I'm pretty sure I could have died in that collision. I know you made sure I made it there safe, I'm sorry I missed you and didn't make it in time. This life this road is confusing and I can only head north on my own magnetic compass that is embedded in my mind. This life this road is great and sometimes I need to remind myself of that. I see the beauty of the world just steps from my door in the polished white of the vanquised sun. We are here together to make this a better place and I am a better person for ever meeting you. I travel in this journey trying to forge ahead with the memories of you, Victor, Eddie, and Randall...people who the heavens took to early and far too soon. You were the greats and maybe whoever is up there needed you to fight the good fight up there. I constantly need to remind myself that this life is not to waste, because it's a gift and a duty that I must press on in order to make your memories real, to make them important. To make you immortal in my minds eye. I need to continue the work that you have laid the path for.
Your brilliant smiles, you're sharp eyes, your tremendous love for life. All of you in your passing taught me that I need to uphold life and live for you. Sometimes its hard and I want to give up, but I can defeat the monsters and I can carry this throughout. Be strong in your hearts, I know you are always looking over me in the darkest of times.

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