the robot

who doesn't want to feel that way, but he's programmed to because his creator was some evil genius that like to see the chaos theory in practice. the robot who yearns to be human, but maybe being human isn't so great after all. the grass is always greener and sometimes reality likes to slap you like as drunk girlfriend once did. unwarranted by the way, she just said that she thought it would be funny. yeah not really. the impulse buy at the supermarket, we bought a cow and brought it home and kept in our living room. future wifey whoever you are, I hope that I'm not so broken into a puzzle when you finally find me. hopefully I'll just have the corner piece missing and the puzzle of my mind will be solved. we can tread water, we can jump in the ocean and swim to china. we can be all that we want to be, love who we want to love. open yourself to the universe, it calls. it beckons...it is your muse. it has shown you the way once, it can show you the way again. So universe, I'm open for any transmissions you send me. like soft bulletins in the night. guide me into the life I once lived, guide me to the good places. make me smile towards the sun. I want to live. I want to burn bright, but not so bright that I have a short shelf life. I don't want to be the expiration date on a can of pineapples.

xx I love you

the repeat on the song has gone on far too long, but I love it so I'll keep on playing it. The grey matter of the day rises like bread in the early afternoon. No radio shack lady, I don't want to give you my email, because I'm afraid of all the spam. the typing isn't happening so fast because I'm half an apparition of what I've always been. the ghosts of the night and memories of the day will always haunt me. the splitting eardrums and headaches of the world will always coil like a rattlesnake in the high noon sun. I can't believe that this idea, this thing, this steadfast pattern repeats itself like metaphysical wall paper in my life. The bluetooth headset that I broke by sweating too much, it wasn't waterproof and running all day made it soak with perspiration.
The modicum of success the sheer brilliance of sound waves penetrated the night. We all seek refuge in the islands of our own minds. I can't say that I will never say anything. I'm kind of programmed to speak my mind even though 90 percent of the time I'm wrong. The dust days, ask the dust and the devil dust of the broken hearts of a million man army. the Armada sailed due east looking for the empire of broken dreams and staccato beats. we can hear it the silent cheering of groups near and wide. It's the winter Olympics and everyone has heard. We can hold hands an remember what it was like to be in love, but those dreams are like a swirling tempest of wild things and emotions to the beat. we gotta run this course, because there is no recourse. We have to keep on living because that's programmed in our nature. the technology plus music, plus airport extreme may have saved my life. Everything is getting better because that's the way it should be.

smile

I woke up with a smile on my face today. an amazing time and amazing place. a river that was created on the streets of los Angeles by the rain last night. I made a boat of my cigarette and floated down the LA river. A time struck a different face and we talked into the night. The latest grace the latest news woke me from my sleep of the past several years. I'm ready to burn like the sun and race to the horizon. I'm ready to do this and a feeling untethered joy swells in my heart. A memory of ectasy in the airport and you and I driving in the night discussing life. I remember that time in Milwaukee when we were driving down the quiet streets, you one of my best friends in the world. Remember in the green light of the night we drove to Mitchell airport and went in. Just sitting there at night and discussing our great love for each other and how we could both be. How we'd be in the near distant future. I think that was one of the most beautiful moments of my life and the memory burns strong in my heart. It's been a few years and now you have a child, a wonderful beautiful child. I hope in life you get all that you need and more importantly all that you want. You're one of the most beautiful and brilliant people in the world. I want you to be happy. I know the world is so different than yourself, but you must carry the light the burns inside of you and show you're brilliance to the world. It saddens me that I think of you and my brothers as Motorcycle boy from Rumble Fish. You are three of the most beautiful souls I know, and I know it's hard for you to accept the world for what it is, instead of how it should be. You can defeat the monsters and earn your rightful place in this world of demons. You are better men than the many that have passed. I want you to know this and I want you to feel it.

i feel you

in the past early lights of dawn I feel your ghost. In the sturdy redwoods of St. Helena I feel your presence. you're a giant among men and makes me wish for the times we spent, I don't know why I thought of you today, I just did. I think it has something to do with being reminded of the song "Say Something" by James by a recent friend...or I should say newly recent better friendship. Maybe it was this year and what I had to go through to meet this person. We have the same connection that you and I had. I missing you badly and only things that are good can make me forget the hurt...A manic drive from southern california to northern california. The night was dark, but before that on the way I saw the most beautiful sunset. These things actually happened and I could feel you on the 5 north. Along the way I saw two owls fly past me in my car. The headlights illuminating their ghostly white in the shadows of the night. I believe in the power of owls and goodness of the world. I know you were looking after me on my journey to say goodbye to you. On the road was a truck tire that I ran over at 90 mph and I'm pretty sure I could have died in that collision. I know you made sure I made it there safe, I'm sorry I missed you and didn't make it in time. This life this road is confusing and I can only head north on my own magnetic compass that is embedded in my mind. This life this road is great and sometimes I need to remind myself of that. I see the beauty of the world just steps from my door in the polished white of the vanquised sun. We are here together to make this a better place and I am a better person for ever meeting you. I travel in this journey trying to forge ahead with the memories of you, Victor, Eddie, and Randall...people who the heavens took to early and far too soon. You were the greats and maybe whoever is up there needed you to fight the good fight up there. I constantly need to remind myself that this life is not to waste, because it's a gift and a duty that I must press on in order to make your memories real, to make them important. To make you immortal in my minds eye. I need to continue the work that you have laid the path for.
Your brilliant smiles, you're sharp eyes, your tremendous love for life. All of you in your passing taught me that I need to uphold life and live for you. Sometimes its hard and I want to give up, but I can defeat the monsters and I can carry this throughout. Be strong in your hearts, I know you are always looking over me in the darkest of times.

the details

Are never the same. the details. They say god is in the details, but I say the devil lives in the obsessiveness. The broken angles of dreams stay away. We want to fly like eagles, but we're swimming with sharks. We've always had that special bond and it will always be that way with my baboon heart from the monkey king. Let's say we were holding hands on a continent far far away. Let's dream of nights when you and I were drunk on whiskey and running towards the sun. Let me tell you that when my friend was dying you made everything okay. I'm not sure about this magical quality of you, but I attribute it to youth and being forever young. I remember the time you got a last minute ticket and met me at the show. That was the best feeling and probably one of the best perfect nights I've had. Sometimes I think about what it would be like if we lived in the same place, but it's probably better that we always keep it this ideal. Reality bites and it never feels the same. Let's hop, let's skip, let's jump rope to the silent beats of everyday life. Let's just lie here and think about how things are, how they could be, and the changes we can make. Someday I'd like to hold your hand and watch the sunset pass over the mountains. It's in my mind, in my dreams, and the tiny distances that are covered by ants every day. It's a moon patrol and I'm constantly reminded by the beauty of your innocence. That's all I have to say.

fail dot organ

oh yes. it happened. I'm getting long in tooth and grey in the scalp. the energy just wasn't here on a friday night, though I all I really wanted to do was get wild like the wild things were. like how they are and where they are. The scalding cauldron of bubbling sentiment was made into the most delicious son tofu. I think that was spelled wrong but no matter. she gave me the three principle rules of what to look for. Cat, hat, and an the requisite glossy photo followed by all the stats that really don't matter, because that photo usually doesn't add up. The hat is the tip off, it's like wearing a feather in your hair or maybe running around the streets in a straight jacket. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you because I never meant to do this. After a few drinks three's company, but in this instance it may have been okay. The locked up chambers of your heart that equal all in total about four will always make sure that you just go go go. Run sammy run. What makes you run? the carrot made of imagination? the dream of living your so called life? or is it a chapter that you have yet begun to write? I'm sure I'm missing someone's birthday this month, I believe in this instance it's my niece, Julia's. I'll have to pre-empt this by sending out a gift and a card in the next week. It's someone's birthday I just can't remember who. My eyes are bleeding from this computer screen and whoever knew that you could expend so much life force creating nothing. I want to run. I want to hide. I want to live forever. Forever young.

cmon come on

ways to say things in the indefinite clarity of the light of the stars and the deep azure blueness of the sky. one way to see things at sea level. the crab nebula dances in your nether regions. Never say this again. it's disgusting, uncouth, and very much unlike you. Neverending story and we rewrite the chapters over and over. let's pitch let's roll, until you try how will you ever really now. A long time ago we sent our messages over the world wide postal service. We'd lick and stamp, put it on an envelope, and then put it in a blue metal container. Heavy metal, heavy water, heavy D and the boys. We wrapped oh so tightly. one question with the on to the next one question. what is it. I fill up the space like a liquid. I expand to the space like gas. An inert gas instead of that offensive one we call breaking the wind. breaking the waves, a pretty disturbing movie. Kind of too real to life. reel to reel you and I. We can battle like break dancers and keep up the bad behavior. We can put our lives neatly away in metal containers. We can discover the emotional tombs of others and the cobwebs that expose them. Let's find that buried treasure.

on to the next one

destroy deviate break the patterns of the wallpaper of your life. Eat the food from Valhalla and ride with the valkries. Eat the unicorn blood of the magic leperchaun like lucky from lucky charms. Blue hearts purple diamonds and eyes made of red. keep chasing the pot of gold because we are almost there. Listen to the fluttering of butterfly wings and churn the butter of cash hidden in the mattress of you life. See all the details in 3d with their stereoscopic view of the macro world of bugs and termites. They would and they eat wood. The translucent white of their bodies, the pincers that break down the fiber of ply, the seating arrangement of the devil. Do you know that the price of cigarettes in LA is 6.66??? No joke and if you try your stand up with me I probably won't laugh. Mad Men, Mad tv, I come from the land of Les Paul and Cheap Tricks. Sometimes I wonder if mutiny isn't the best way, but it's not in my nature to step on another person. You aren't a ladder for me to ascend where I want to go. I'll extend my hand and help you along, but only if you let me and treat me right. Right wing conspiracies and the leaning to the left. I've got a book for you that you could only understand. don't let me repeat this, but I probably will.